I'm not Crazy, I'm not Crazy

I'm starting the long journey of resetting my expectations, of reorienting my reference points for my life and the way that I perceive the world. That's a fancy way of saying that I'm trying to figure out how to live my life in this brave, new world.

Part of that is coming to grips with the truth that, for a while, I am not going to be acting like myself. I feel like grief is this horrible phase I am forced to go through, when I'm not even sure how I will react to things. In some ways, I'm stronger than I ever imagined: I stood over my dad's deathbed, held his hand, and promised I'd make him proud. I wrote his obituary. I stood for four hours and shook hands with and hugged hundreds of well-wishers at the visitation. (I cried a lot, but not the whole time.) I felt an incredible and God-given peace while at the cemetery.

In other ways, I'm weaker than I was before. I'm not talking about succumbing to tears or feeling heartbroken. That is not weakness. That is how you know that the love you felt was profound. I'm talking about moments when I'm suddenly caught off guard with unconnected emotions. One example: last night, I went to Chipotle to order food for my mom and myself. Since I was ordering more than one thing, I had to multi-task to make sure each item had the right toppings, and at the same time tell the cashier what I was ordering. And suddenly, I felt so overwhelmed. I got flustered, my throat went dry, and my hands started shaking. The poor girl behind the counter told me to take my time, I was so visibly upset by trying to make sure everything was right.

I finally paid and walked back to my car, and I couldn't understand why in the world I'd gotten so upset about ordering a couple of burritos. I'd never before experienced that feeling of drowning right where I stood, as if suddenly everything was strange and off-kilter and upsetting. It was weird.

But I know that I'm not crazy. I haven't suddenly developed schizophrenia, or something. I just have a huge pain in my heart, a pain that is so fundamental that it affects everything I do. The shock of this past week's events have shaken me up so badly that ordering two things at once at Chipotle was somehow too much for me to handle. I know that things will get better. And that it's okay for me to experience moments like this. I just have to learn to work around them.

I hope all that doesn't sound too melodramatic.